inner peace

a conscious end to kryptic messages

I find kryptic online journaling a way to put my thoughts down to words, and friends that know what's going on would get it and those that don't scratch their heads and wonder what's up or what the hell is wrong with this crazy girl.

Have you ever been exhausted all week or all month or just for an extended period of time? Well, I have, and I seem to be pretty good at keeping up with the fatigue. See, this is what you get if you are a constantly restless, lost soul. If you've been reading my blog since January, you would know that I've been completely lost for quite awhile. There will be times when there are a series of pseudo or at least temporal enlightenment, but in reality, for the most part, I am 'hecka' confused.

The world is a big fat, complicated world where it's as easy to create a new problem as it is to breathe. While having a drink with a couple of buddies last night, a friend who seemed to have got it quite straight in a the aspect of not breeding hatred or anger tried to curb mine by telling me that I need to stop being angry at people that I might not like...this is a diverse world and I should be able to tolerate them. I wonder how good he is at doing so.

Starting fresh and anew usually entails putting the past in its place, down memory lane or as I would like to call it, the ATTIC. But, I think that it's more important to either come to terms with it as IS, or at the very least come to terms with it in a SARA(whatever your name is, replace it)-like version. And incorporating the little wisdom pearls that I have gathered from friends, I should A) meditate more and keep my mind straight B)not be angry at the diverse world. I wonder if there are simpler ways than that.

Having slept all day long and filled my brain with mindless TV crap, I think that I'm ready to start fresh.

Memory is supposed to trick you, you know that? It doesn't have to be as confusing as the dude in Memento had to go through, but nonetheless, you chose to remember what you want to and chose to forget the rest...all quite subconsciously.

By the way, I've consumed so many paper wontons by sneezing all day, that's only the few hours that I've been awake.

My cats xiao mai and aiko are on a temporary sibling-incest breakup. Aiko is in heat, so she had to be vet-hospitalized for a few days post surgery. Poor girl is staying with a bunch of scary animals at the Vet. Poor guy, xiao mai, is at home frantically looking for her and looking so lost without her. This is a salient example that animals are no less emotional than us. In fact, I feel that they are truer to their feelings. When they are mad at each other, they just ignore each other. When they miss each other, they won't hide it. If they feel unhappy about a situation, they stay away from it. When they want to fight and beat each other up, they do it. However, there are no grudges involved. It's a much healthier way of dealing with the ups and downs in life than I personally do at the moment.

The goal is to keep life sweet and simple, be forgetful, tolerant, and unaffected by external differences. A friend told me that he is working on not being stirred by people or things that pleases him just as he won't be stirred by people or things that displeases him. All should be equal. The inner self should be clear and constant.

I wish that there will be a day when I can do this.

posted by Y @ 5/16/2004 12:26:00 AM